Today's Truth

Another Friday is here. I'm sitting at my new desk on my new computer. It's late and I'm up because I slept all day. It started out good then got bad. My car was impounded. I'm not sure as to why just yet. The officer told me it has to due with my license being suspended. Which I new nothing about. I don't know how I'm going to be able to get it out. But I'm praying that God will see if to work it out. But that isn't the reason for this blog.....

I'm experiencing being married and actually sharing my life with someone who I want to be with. I have been ready for this for quite some time it seems. It's the most natural thing in the world to me. Even the not so great times seem to be behind us right now. Eiran and I both know that we are who we want to be with. Even when we get on each others nerves. It never lasts very long. I think his trip back to Atlanta, GA, that week, was really good for us. I feel at home with Eiran. I remember leaving work and knowing that he wasn't going to be there when I walked through the door. And I didn't like it. Not at all. I love the idea of us growing together. Experiencing our lives together is something I don't want to ever be without now. I know we both have to grow individually and collectively and I think were both on the same page with that now. He has realized some things, and so have I. It has been reaffirmed in me that I WANT this man in my life for the rest of it. And knowing that I want it makes all the difference in the world to me to try and work out every issue that may arise.

Dear Eiran

You know its funny how things go from one extreme to the other. We were just talking about making plans for the weekend and next week. And now were talking about splitting up completely. It hurt for you to say that it may not even be official that we really aren't married. That our names may not officially be together yet. But I guess that was your purpose.

My whole life changed back in march. And I was oh so happy about it. Because I was ready for the change. I was ready to make the next step in m life. And that next step turned out to be you. Getting married to you even though technically in the eyes of the law its not a real marriage. But to me it is and that means to me....the two of us making a commitment and promise to each other, to be there for one another, to love one another, to support one another, to be honest with one another, even when it gets hard to do all that. And you were the one who asked me. So I really would have thought you would have more fight in you to make that happen. But as it stands, every single month since then has been you getting to this point yet again and saying its been a mistake. Why are we wasting our time? I never looked at you as a waste of time. I look at you like you are a part of my life. A huge part of my life that I don't want to loose. But I have come to the conclusion that I don’t have the fight in me to try and make someone else feel secure in me when they are not secure within themselves. I have tried to be there for in anyway that I can be. Sexually even when all the fun was taken out of it due to the fact that you put so much pressure on it. It wasn’t that way in the beginning and I don’t understand who u can think it should be that way now just because you have a so-called need.

I understand what it is that you want. I know that its not so much the act of sex you want from me...but the desire. I have the desire to be with you and make our marriage work. I want to stand but the commitment I made on May 15th when those papers where signed and sent off. The good and the bad I want Augustus Eiran Thompkins-Swindell by my side. I have tried to understand all your issues. I haven't wanted you to be unhappy with me or our life together. But nothing is good enough for you where I am concerned. You made the comment just a few days ago that you were going to make more of an effort to make sure that I knew how much you wanted to be with me. How much you loved me and wanted to make our marriage last. But here we are again today me feeling like I have failed again. Feeling like im not good enough. All you tend to focus on is what you gave up to be with me. And you not happy about it. If this was really want you wanted would you actually feel like you gave up something. Or would you feel u gain a whole lot more than what you had in the first place. I don’t think that’s the case for you. And you haven’t shown me anything otherwise.

You have shown me that you can decide with a quickness that you can leave. You want to hear the words, "Baby, no, please stay I need you" I do believe that is what you need to feel complete in a relationship. But my want for you is always going to be greater than my need. I want you to be in my life for all the good and bad times. I want to be there when you finally graduate from college, doing whatever it is that you decide to do. Whether it be becoming a lawyer, or para legal, or whatever. I want to be there to watch you grow as an individual and to be your counter part. See I know how to step aside and let my man shine on there own. And I know that I can't fix every single situation for you even though I try to do what I can. I'm not perfect though. And just because I cant be there for you in a certain way all the time the way you may want me to be. I will still always be there.

But my words are probably being read and look upon as if they are all a bunch of shit because im just an asshole who wants you to do nothing but what I want you to do. But if you really look at it. All that I have wanted you to do was the best Eiran that you can be. Be the Eiran that I know you can be. The Eiran that I have seen all along. The Strong, intelligent, funny, independent, confident, self-reliant, Caring, dorky, compassionate, Goofy, healthy, Understanding, stubborn, Sexy man who I fell in love with in the first place. And who said that he wanted the same thing from Me.

You want me to desire you and what to make love to you. Be that man that I know you can be. And stop trying to walk out on me every time we have a disagreement. Stop putting so much pressure on me just for the act of sex. Stop worrying if im satisfied with how you preform. Or if I bust a nutt every single time. You have nothing but idol time on your hands right now. You want me to make you feel like your worth everything when you don’t feel like your worth too much to yourself. But Babe, that’s your issue. You have always been more than enough for me...and it doesn’t have anything to do with how good you are in bed. That’s why people have wanted you in the past. I want you for all the reasons I stated above.

Now if you want to still leave and u really don’t think that we are worth it. Then you will not hear anything else from me. You can go and make whatever plans you need to make. And hopefully you will find what it is that you need. But you're not going to find it in someone else. You gotta find that in you. And you're gonna see that no one is perfect and no one is going to want the best for you like I do. I know my worth and I know that in my spirit. You deserve just like I do someone that is going to push my past my limits and fight with me to make me see the big picture. Someone who even in the midst of a dispute, Loves me still, for being the smart-ass that I am. The hard-core, brutally honest person that I have always been, that you fell in love with.

LOVE YOUR HUSBAND

Melanie Fiona ~ It Kills Me (OFFICIAL VIDEO)

Today's Truth

I know I may not have everything that I want, right now. But I have all that I need. And I have the means to get the things that I want as well, if I can have a little discipline and faith in myself. I will be able to really enjoy the journey of getting exactly where I want to me.

Today's Truth

I don't know what is going on today. But it aint right. Really I didn't think it was gonna be. Some things have been on my mind.

So what happens when you start feeling like what you thought would make you happiest, is nothing like you thought it would be? Eiran is not happy with anything. Not with himself or me. Our relationship is not what he expected. He is not happy because I haven't been sexual. Honestly its been a freaking drought and I don't understand it myself. But I'm working on it. But nothing makes him happy. Nothing I do, say or try. Maybe all this has been a mistake. Him coming out here. Maybe he should have stayed out in Atlanta. I know how miserable he was out there. And I don't know what to do. As his friend I would tell him that if he isn't happy he needs to find out what will make him happy. I don't know if he knows how to even attempt to do that or not. I think that he needs to be by himself for a while. Force himself to be. Because he has just being going from one relationship to another for years now. And nothing has made him Happy. As I'm writing this I'm getting upset because I have told him before that I think he was in love with the image he had of me in his head. Not just with who I am all around. I know for me. I didn't come into this thinking that it was going to be a certain way. I never do that anymore because I have learned that how we may perceive things is not always the reality. Real truth, my babe has alot of baggage. He has alot of emotional issues that he has yet to deal with. Seeing all that has made me not feel sexual towards him. Seeing all the things he has yet to deal with. Seeing him so unhappy and seeing that nothing makes him feel happy except drinking and smoking, makes it hard for me to think about sex at all. It's become like a chore instead of something we both enjoy together. I don't wanna have sex with someone just for a nut. That's all it feels like it is for him. After the fact its back to the same miserable attitude he always has. I really haven't been trying to make things an issue. I want him to know that I have his back. I'm not trying to see him like the others that have been in my life. But the truth is that I'm feeling just like I have before. I'm the one trying to do for the both of us. The one trying to motivate him to get his things together so that we can build on a real future. And all it turns out to be is a fight and disappointments on both sides. He's so damn overly critical with everything that anyone says to him and that's because he's not happy within himself. I know because I felt like that for so long. It's not anyone else's fault for the way our lives are. I say if they aren't the way we want them, then its up to us to change things. Am I right or wrong? I don't want Eiran to be unhappy. I don't know what to do about it tho. Whatever I try is short lived and then overshadowed by what is not going right in his life. And its always something. Things that I would never think about. He brings up my exes talks about things that I may have said to him back in the day that I have totally forgotten about. Like how the sex was. They are not even an factor in my universe anymore. So why is he even bringing them up when I don't?
I'm not saying that I'm perfect in this situation either. I know that my attitude towards relationships have changed. And maybe its not the best way to look at it. But it is what it is.
I know I want this relationship..But do I feel that I need it. The answer would be no.
I don't like feeling like I need anyone for anything. Do I want Eiran? HELL YES. Do I want our relationship, HELL YES. What I don't want is the animosity. What I don't want is to be helpless watching someone just continue to be miserable all the time...Shit I'm tired of living like that. Wouldn't you be?

As far as the sex goes. Last night I told him, When he wants it he will get it regardless of if I want to or not. Since it is all about his needs

It's crazy that this is his only compliant to about me.

This lack of a sex drive that is going on with me right now. I don't put that much emphasis on sex. But I understand a man has needs.

But damn really I can't win. If I do it and he doesn't feel like I enjoyed it he gets upset. If I'm honest with him and tell him that I'm not feeling it at the moment then I'm just being mean and hateful and not even attempting to satisfy him.

WTF!

Like I said before, Sex should be enjoyable for both parties involved. I don't why it is that he can't be patient with me. Give me a little understanding and say, "U know what babe, I'm just gonna be here for you." Instead all is it is "I have a need that your not willing to fulfill."

Bust The Windows~GLEE

~Reflection~

Who have I become?

The reflection of what you thought of me

The nothing little being that was insignificant to our life.

The embodiment of something worth casting aside.

Have I embraced my fate?

Allowing your perception of me to change my core.

Losing myself in the pain.

Holding on to nothing

because nothing was what you gave.

Spirit broken

I let it stay

Not mending

Not healing

Not breaking away.

I let my light dim

Forgetting what made me, me

Casting aside the strength of my own spirit

A shadow of the man I was meant to be.

Monica ~Still Standing_TMS_Live~

This woman has come such a long way. She is one of my favorite artists and im so glad that she is Still Standing.

Still Standing TMS Live
Uploaded by yardie4lifever2. - Explore international webcam videos.

My Favorite Place

It's so safe here

So warm

So peaceful

I'm content

I'm at ease

No other place has ever made me feel whole

No other place has ever made me feel so free

Free to ponder about anything and everything my mind can dream up

Free to explore me

Time has no bearing

I can come and go as I please.

Its like I'm in my own world,

Miles and miles away from the drudgery of the rest of the world.

My sanctuary

My fortress

My Favorite Place.......

In your arms

Today's Truth

Eiran and I had a conversation last night. One that has me questioning somethings within myself. He says that I seem cold and shut off from him. He says I won't allow myself to let him in completely. He says that from previous conversations of my past it seems like I gave the others I was with my all. And now with him, I'm holding back. I don't feel that's that is completely true. But there is some truth to that. I'm a different person now. I don't have this romanticized vision of what love should be and how a relationship should be. All I want now is consistency and monogamy and faithfulness. I want to know that I don't need to take on the role of making everything OK for someone else. I love Eiran, with all my heart. But I'm his man...not his father. I don't have to except everything that he does. And the same goes for me. If I was doing something that wasn't conducive to our relationship I would expect him to call me on it. I believe in giving people a chance. A chance to show who they are and what they are about. I'm about my relationship. But I'm also about my individuality. I love Eiran. But I'm not going to loose myself in Eiran. He wants me to be vulnerable to him. He thinks that I'm not. I really do feel that I am. I have shifted everything I had planned for myself into what is best for "US". I feel like we made the decision to be together and I really want to stand by that. I want this to work out. I want us to last...And the only way they we are going to do that is if we stay true to ourselves and each other. He is smart and funny and motivated. That's the man I grew to love and respect. I met my equal. Someone who would work as hard as I will to make it work. Someone who I can depend on and wont be looking for the escape route. Someone that would take matters into his own hands and get things done for himself and me. Some who didn't need to rely on me to make things happen. I just knew that we were going to be able to make things happen for each other. I don't know if that's him anymore...and I don't know if that's because I make it so that he doesn't have to.