Tru3logic

I DONT CARE

2012-02-17T08:44:00.001-08:00

I've adapted a new perspective. I DONT CARE. I have had too man things hurt me over the past six months. I have allowed the actions, or lack there of, of people close to me determine my happiness. I'm not having that anymore. I DONT CARE. I really dont care what anyone does or how they do it. If something is going on that I dont want to be a part of, I wont be going. If someone is having an issue with me or something I do or say, and I dont feel like entertaining it. I wont be. I feel this way about reaching out to people as well. I have spent so much time trying to keep relationships and friendships on a good note because I havent really wanted to be alone. I have put myself out there to a counselor, a babysitter, a brother, a trustworthy, honest friend and it hasn't meant too much to anyone. I have been kicked aside for not conforming to what someone else thought I should when I have never judged a single person for anything that have ever wronged me with. I have a overly forgiving heart and have allowed people to come back into my life after betrayals and still felt like I needed to have something to prove. What the hell is wrong with me. Why is it so important to keep people around that arent going to fight to keep me. So at this junction of my life. I just dont care. Im over feeling like I have to be the glue and humble myself through every situation. If someone wants to walk out....then please by all means go. If you dont hear from me like you used to its because I realized I was the only one making an effort to keep in contact. Phone go both ways. You want to see me....get in your car and drive to where I am. Im not gonna be a tag along anymore. Im not going to be sitting around hoping someone things im as special as I think they are. I DONT CARE ANYMORE. And Im really really good with that.

Feeling Lost

2012-02-17T08:30:00.001-08:00

I feel lost a lot here lately. Like im just searching for something alone in a dark place, but can't find whatever it is I'm looking for. I need something fulfilling. Something that makes things meaningful again. I keep asking God for what that something is. And maybe He's waiting on me to discover it on my own. But I'm really tired of feeling so lost all the time.

Quote

2012-02-17T08:28:00.001-08:00

"Empathy. Nothing is more enlightening or liberating than the ability to experience the world from another's perspective. Through their eyes, evil employers become struggling shipwreck survivors and difficult parents become scared children playing dress-up. With empathy we transform ourselves from the wounded to the healing - from the bewildered to the understanding - from the tiny hell of 'Poor Me' to a wide world of Us." Rikki Beadle-Blair

Can you tell me???

2012-02-01T19:01:00.000-08:00

This must be a game. This seems so unreal. I can't tell what is happening here. What the hell are you doing? Why are you even here? You got this other man giving you things, apparently making you feel good and yet you're here sleeping in my bed. But yet you're still not wanting to talk about anything. I just really don't understand. What do u want from me? What do think is supposed to be happening here? Am I supposed to welcome you back with open arms? Have you come back here and pick up where we left off? But where we left off wasn't a good place at all. I'm not knowing what is going on or how to feel about this. But I'm really confused when it comes to you. Where is your head? What does all this mean right now? All these questions and I'm waiting for these answers that I'm probably never going to get. This is too much.

Today's Truth

2012-02-01T19:00:00.000-08:00

I should have got my ass up and went to church today. I need to start going more. For myself and my relationship with the Lord. If I don't know anything else. I know that He is the one that is going to be sustain me when no one else can. I feel like if I can start doing that everything else in my life might start falling into place. I'm over here worrying about my health. My HIV is starting to ware my body down. I feel like everything is wrong with me. I never used to be sick like this. I never had all these things wrong with me and honestly it's scary as hell. Even though, I feel sometimes I'm ready to leave this place. I don't want to have to get sick and suffer. I understand why people say they would rather die quickly than to have a slow, painful death. That is not what I want for me.

2012-02-01T11:18:00.000-08:00

People like to play games. They like playing games so much that they don't even know they're doing it before we have to point it out to them. They play games with money, with emotions and feelings, all to keep a level of control over you. To make you feel like you are the one that causes all the problems and makes their lives difficult. I have to give it to these people. They have a gift for manipulation. I need to learn how to do this.

2012-02-01T11:16:00.000-08:00

I honestly don't know what is going to happen with me and Eiran. I know that he is flirting with other guys. That really doesn't bother me because that's who he has always been. That's what he has always done. I have never been under the assumption that I will be completely enough for him. There is always something for him to complain about. Either he's not getting enough attention or affection or sex. He's not happy with his life. He doesn't know which way his wants to go. He's good for changing his mind and I'm just waiting for him to go do it again. Changing his mind about me. I'm sure he has all kinds of dudes throwing themselves at him. And that's fine. Hell if I wanted to I could be doing the same thing. But I don't. I'm just cool on all that. What would be the purpose? I'm trying to make it with just one person. What do I look like trying to have more. But like I said it just is was it is. I don't really time for the drama. I will still be Eiran's friend if he decides that he doesn't want to be with me. Until then, I'm just biding my time. I'm going to stop saying anything at all. Really, there is no point to saying anything to a grown man that's going to do just what a grown man likes to do.

~Hmmmm~

2012-02-01T11:13:00.000-08:00

I have been tempted to contact you.

I don't even know why?

I shouldn't give a damn.

It's not like you ever really did.

But still you have been on my mind;

Wondering how you are,

What you're up to,

If I ever cross your mind.

I don't know how or why it would even matter.

But still sit and wonder sometimes.

I guess I embedded you too far in my heart to really let go of you.

I guess it's just the God in me that makes that little voice in the back of my head say "hmmmmm."

Today's Truth

2012-01-30T19:02:00.001-08:00

I'm struggling with some inner demons today. Today I dont know if I want to be married. Today I dont know if I want to be try to my give him the benefit of the doubt and think that here is where he really wants to be. I dont feel like i will ever be enough. I think hes still keeping his pieces on the side. And I think I might need to do the same. What does that say about me? I know that is not the type of relationship I want. BUt it's the kind that I have. That I have to have an excape plan always on hand to protect myself. All the bad things are what I hear. Its hard to see the good in anyone when you are always being conpared to others. I will never be able to get out of my mind some of the things that have been said and done. As I'm sure he wont either. I never made another person a priority for me though. I never allow someone eles to come in and get the feelings that I only wanted to give to him. Even if i tired I couldn't But today I feel like I cant let him have those feelings either cause they dont mean anything to him. I still feel like he waiting for something better to come along and then he will be on his way. And im just sitting here anticipating because in the end what can I do if someone doesn't want you they just dont.

Today's Prayer

2012-01-24T07:29:00.000-08:00

Lord,

It was brought to my attention, in more ways than one, that I am not being the person that I am supposed to be. I'm angry all the time. I have to fight to make myself have any joy at all. I don't care about what happens to people. I don't want to talk to anyone. I would rather be alone and be left alone. I have even been having thoughts of if something were to happen to me, like say getting hit by a bus, I would welcome it. I don't understand what is happening with me. But I know I that I need to just trust You. I have felt like my life has not progressed any. I'm in the same situation I have been in for years. What am I doing wrong? Why is it that I have nothing to that really makes me happy? I haven't really been happy with who I am for a very long time now. And I really want to be. I want to feel like I have some purpose and my life has some meaning. I want to mean something to someone that won't just cast me aside when they are done with me or mad at me. I know that I mean something to you Lord. I am your child. I just hope that feel that I'm worth something within myself. I need you now Lord. I need You to show me who I need to be and where I need to be going. I need Your help with school, with work, with my health, with my relationships. I need your help letting go of people that have already let go of me. I need Your help to show me my gifts and apply them to my life. Please Lord show me.

Amen.

DONE!!!!

2012-01-10T14:52:00.000-08:00

I have come to the conclusion that I will never be enough in a relationship. Not for the other person to feel like that found something in me that is worth holding on to. And I wish I could for the life of me feel bad about it. What I am is over it. I can feel the romantic side of me slipping completely away. I guess this is what being bitter and jaded feels like. I never imagined my life this way. I never imagine not believing in the love between 2 people could not be enough. But I'm living it. So how can I not believe what I see for myself. I spend a lot of time wondering what I could do or how I could be different. But I'm unwilling to be a submissive person and just allow other people to have either ego boosted just because they want to feel like they are worth something. Know your own worth and you won't need to be validated. I'm good on people, friends, family, lovers feeling like I own them something because they decide now to think about me. I have been thinking about y'all and putting your needs above my own for the longest. And where has that gotten me? NO DAMN WHERE!! There is nothing to show for the time that I spent supporting, trying to figure out whats wrong, attempting to fix and talk it out. Spending my money, fixing mistakes that were made that didn't have a damn thing to do with me. Trying to make other peoples lives run smoothly. But who is there for me to make sure that I get what I need? Who is there to make my life run a little more smoother? NO DAMN BODY!!! Because once someone is done with me they spend all their time taking care of someone else. Those people become what's worth it them. Those people become what is important and worth them keeping in their lives. Those people that never do a damn thing for them are the ones that reap the benefits. If I sound a little bitter and upset writing this, I probably am. I have reached my limit so many times but this time is different. I really don't care about how anyone feels about shit anymore. If you don't like something that I say or do....WELL FUCK YOU. I have a serious FUCK YOU spirit on me right now and I'm holding on to it for dear life. My life. Because at the end of day I have been the I holding it all together The one that was trying to fight for something that nobody else gave 2 shits about. Now I'm just gonna be holding myself up. If people have to fall by the wayside, well then, so be it. FUCK helping you, them or anyone else. I'm DONE

IDK What it is.

2012-01-04T11:18:00.000-08:00

All this back and forth emotion about being together or not being together. I'm really not wanting the anxiety. This shouldn't be so hard. So I'm throwing my hands up and I'm giving it to God. What's that saying, "while your trying to figure it out, He's already worked it out." I will not stress myself behind situations this year. I will not worry about who's in my life and who is not. I will not worry about who I make mad or piss off just by simply telling them the truth. I will work on not wasting my time on certain people and trying to get them to see things that are right in front of them. Whats the point? Either you see it or you don't. Either you make the effort or you don't. Why am I going to frustrate myself trying to get someone else to see my perspective when the obviously don't or cant? I'm throwing my hands up and saying "God bless".

I have come to a new place in my life. I will put myself out there only so much before I just say, "God, allow me to work it out for myself."

It is What it is

2012-01-02T17:40:00.001-08:00

We will see what is about to take place. Being with Eiran seems to be again in m y future. Of course we have a lot to work on. But we both seem to still have the desire to have a future together. Everything is starting over. I know I'm going to be praying a whole lot more. Im going to allow myself to forgive and be forgiven. The rest of the world may not understand or like it. But when it feels like home, it just does. Theres no changing what is. And this is what it is.

2012

2012-01-01T19:00:00.001-08:00

The first day of 2012. This is the got to be a better year. This last year has been a draining one to say the least. But things have already started going differently for this New Year. I have a new apartment to look foward to. I get to be closer to my very good friend Rachel and my Godson Christian. I gave everything and everyone to God. I'm not taking on anyone elses problems. I am not offering to go out of my way for anyone that will not be doing it for me. That is my New Year Resolution. I have tried too long to be there for people who have not made me feel like I was worth 2 shits. And im not even mad about it. I just know I need to make some changes. I need to make sure that I look out for me and me alone. I was hoping that Eiran and I could work on us. But who knows at this point. He has baggage and I think doesnt want to give up his freedom at this point. And that is fine with me as well. I can be good with that. I just dont know how he is going to be good with it. I am not waiting around for him to make up his mind. The New Year is here and I said that either were gonna work on us or were really going to end it and I mean that. I love him dearly, inspite of all the drama and misttakees we have bothh made. But I'm going to love me more. I have to at this point. Going out of my way for anyone that will not do the same for me is not going down anymore.

The Meds

2012-01-01T18:39:00.001-08:00

I took my HIV meds for the first time last night. It scared the fuck outta me. I felt like I was drunk. I was dizzy, couldn't walk right, see right, it was truly a trip. And it hit me so fast from taking the pill. Like a matter of minutes, maybe 30. I really don't want this to be a normal thing. But i know its something I need to do. I have been sick way too long. My immune system is so low that I can't even fight off this cold. So if this is what I have to endure for a little while, then I will. I also had the most vivid dreams I have had in a very long time. It was so real, everything thing and everyone. I felt like I was watching a movie. I really don't know how this is going to go. Feeling like this every night is not my idea of a good time. Not at all.

Today's Truth

2012-01-01T18:32:00.001-08:00

I wanna know what makes us so pre-disposed to falling in love with people? What the hell is that all about? Falling in love if you're lucky may happen for a select few, that will be able to hold on to it. Then there are those who fall in love so often, it then loses its appeal. You get so hurt cause you try so hard to hold onto to love but love don't love you back. You've been there one time too many. Don't you get tired of being keep around for just a season and then discared like old clothes.

Today's Truth

2011-12-18T05:12:00.001-08:00

There isn't a lot that I want out of life. I just want to have good people in it. I want to be financially comfortable. I want the good people in my life to always be able to say that I was real. That there was nothing fake about me and how I treated them. I want love and passion. That's not a lot, is it? I would not like to think so but some of these are so hard to obtain. The genuinely good people. I have a few of those and im more than grateful for them. But its those other ones that you get so invested. Well at least I do. The one's that are always so needy and look to you to pull them out of every situation they seem to get themselves into. In some form of fashion they seem to always be there when things are great in their life. But when they are fine and things are good, there is no word at all. Not even to see how you might be doing. And yet im aware of this and im still there. What does that say about me? Am I just a good person with a good heart. I do not do the things I do get a return. Although, it would be nice to have someone just offer and really have the means to help me at some point. Not just make idol promises that if they had it they would give it to me in a heart beat. Because when they did have it, you sure weren't around me. But I don't fault them. I fault myself. People only can do what you allow them to do. And you would think that since people already call me an asshole that I would just embrace it fully. But I really don't want to be an asshole. It's not like me to just think of only myself in any situation. I want to enjoy myself with people that I love around, regardless of their situation. But im always the one that has to facilitate those encounters. I have yet to have someone just out of the blue say, im going to come and see how devin is, if he needs anything, just anyone to talk to. I literaly have to go through my phone and finde people that may be available when I just needing someone to listen. It's just a eye opening thing to me, that my life is still like this after so long. And im not sitting around being depressed about it. But this is the reality of life right now. I have had to let go of some strong feelings for some very important people in my life. I am tired of feeling less than or expendable. It seems to be so easy for people to cut me out of their lives. I am adopting the same attitude. If you serve no purpose for me at this point you can espect me not to be volunteering for anything. I will be offering to come get you, take you home, pick you up and going here. Even if it is on my way. If you ask I may consider it, only if on some level it will benefit me. I will not be answering my phone everytime you call, or responding to every text message. You may even knock on my door and not get a response. I cannot be this person anymore. And I cannot feel like this anymore. Like im only as good as the services I can provide to someone. Once that service is over im tossed out without even getting paid.

Today's Post

2011-12-14T13:43:00.000-08:00

In this moment. I'm really not sure how to handle anything. It seems that everything I try to do back fires in my face. Expressing my feelings to people does not seem to have any affect. They feel how they feel and that's all the matters. They never look at how much what they are or aren't doing is hurting someone that wants nothing more than to just make them as happy as possible. I have allowed myself to get into situations where I am stuck doing things for other people that I should never obligated to do. But I make myself available because I do care about them. But I don't think that means anything to anyone. They just keep taking but when I ask them for something they are hesitant and try to avoid me. I don't like feeling like this. I don't like the fact that I just had to move out of my home. Even though, I had good reasons for do it. I just feel like my life is going backwards instead of forwards. I try so hard to have things go smooth for me but everything seems to hard and ultimately meaningless.

2011-12-04T13:02:00.001-08:00

I feel myself reverting back to how I was before. I look back over situations and how much I loved certain people and I how I am always available to them. And it's not healthy. I can't always be there for people who, when I need something, are never there for me. But I feel like if I do that I would be hardening myself even more than I am now. I am so tired for hearing from people that I'm so evil and bitter. But in all reality I am as open as I can be for them and with them. I'm praying that God show me a way to get the users out of my life and still have some genuine people in my world that care about who I really am. I'm not feeling that lately except from 2 people I can't have in my life the way I want them. But that's ok. I feel a connection to them that is unexplainable. I don't want to always be looking to them for my comfort either. They have their own lives and as much as I would like to be a part of that, I know that I can't. I really can't be apart of any one's life like that. No matter what I may feel for them. I'm struggling with so many different emotions all the time now. Especially with this break up. I'm feeling worthless once again. Like I didn't matter because their actions have really shown me how much they don't have or want to be bothered with me. Words do not matter to me at all anymore, even though I tried to give people the benefit of the doubt. Now I just can't. But I'm always the one to blame for the issues and problems anyway.

Today's Truth

2011-12-01T22:47:00.001-08:00

It doesn't make any sense to me to be able to see love all around you and not be able to experience it for yourself. It's right there looking at you but you cant touch it. And the minute you think you might have the chance you realize that love has slipped right threw your fingers. All I can do is shake my head. You can find what you really want and need in your life and then you realize that that which you love belongs to someone else and you spend your time wishing and hoping that the one you love so much will love you the same way. But you're stuck watching them love someone else. Stuck watching other people love them.

Today's Truth

2011-11-21T22:40:00.001-08:00

I went to the Doctors today. I found out that my T-cells have gone down even more than the last time. The doctor is recommending that I start treatment. I don't know how I feel about this. I know that it scares me. My first reaction was the I cannot ever be with another person physically again. I was being highly over dramatic. But thanks to Josh (I love him) He really allowed me to see that I can still have a normal life. And this is nothing I didn't know. I have known people who take medication regularly. I know that it does a lot of good for them. I was just never hoping it would have to be me. But I guess it was inevitable. Things in my life right now seem to just be getting worse. I have been worrying about so much and so many people, including myself. I want to be there for every one and I don't like it when I cant. But I have to let that all go. There is nothing that I can do for anyone when I cant do for myself. And I see now that I am in it on my own. I have to remember I have been here before. I have had to do it all on my own. I have had my phone turned off and been without. This is nothing I cant get past. I guess its just easier having someone there to go through it with you. This last month I have seen just how much people are about them and what they need and what they need to have. I'm taking lessons. Because its about to be about Devin. I'm gonna make things happen for me and me alone. No more worrying about what others think and what they are going through. At the end of the day I'm all I have anyway. Everyone else has moved on or have other people in their life trying to make things easier for them. I know because I have been one of those people. But after just this last week of being completely broke, struggling to keep gas in my car, not having the money to get any medicine while I have been sick. Not being able to pay my cell phone which is my life line, I have not been able to call on one person to really help me. Everyone has too much going on, no money, no means to help. That's fine. But don't be mad at me when I am not available or I don't have anymore either. I wish everyone in my life to have peace and prosperity. I want everyone to have what they truly need and want. I pray that they all know love and feel love every day of their lives. Even if I don't. Even if I wish I could show them more and what I have is not or was not good enough. I pray that they find it. Maybe one day I will too.

Today's Truth

2011-11-19T06:33:00.001-08:00

It really does urk me sometimes that when I need people to come through for me, they are never there to come through for me. I always gotta wait and figure it out on my own. Or come up with another way. I try to be there for everyone and when situations arise that I have deal with....o everyone has something else to do. They don't have it right now. Hopefully they will have it next week. I hear shit like, "o, I'll make sure I get it back to you by such and such date." I'm just venting right now. I know if they didn't have it when I lent it to them, what would make me think that they would have it when I needed it? And I'm really not mad at them because I know the situation. I just wish that I did not have to depend on anyone for anything ever again in life. My cell phone is off and I don't have a way to get in touch with certain people. I am over-drawn in my checking account...they had to take all the money I had in my savings account to cover my checking then they charged me for doing that. I just can't win. Trying to help everyone else and of course, I get screwed. I guess, such is life, right? Can't stress over shit you can't do anything about. It'll just be off for a while I guess.

Today's Truth

2011-11-16T07:30:00.000-08:00

I have been feeling really down today. I woke up feeling like everything in my life is meaningless. And I mean everything. I see in others just what I wish I could have but I can't. I don't know if it is me getting in my own way, or the universe just making me its joke. It seems like no matter how much I try to get it right. It turns out wrong. I just pray that I can just escape without being too hurt or hurting anyone else.

Where?

2011-11-14T16:19:00.000-08:00

Where is the love?

Where is it hiding?

How do I find it again?

Because I need it to come back and reside in me again.

I want to feel that feeling of falling all over again.

When there's no fear of being hurt.

Where there's no resentment.

Where do I look?

Where do I begin?

Today's Truth

2011-11-03T05:09:00.001-07:00

For the last 2 days I have been waking up feeling refreshed and in a good mood. I actually forgot what that is like. Everything has been so stressful. But I feel that the weight has been lifted. I was so concerned what was going to happen with this appartment after eiran moved his things out. If I was going to keep it or not. If I was going to be able to afford it with these furlough days they have given us. But what I think it was that was really getting to me was feeling like I was going to be stuck with something that I didn't want, while he gets to walk away and do all the things what I have been wanting to do and experience with him for the last 3 years. I don't begrudge Eiran the opportunity to have what he has always wanted from a relationship. Someone that is going to cater to his needs of attention and affection the way he wants it. I never did that according to him. If these new people he is developing feelings for give him that. I wish him all the happiness in the world. But I dont feel that Eiran is ever going to be happy untill he deals with his own issues. He thinks I'm out to get him somehow. Like I'm attempting to get over on him. What can I get from Eiran. There's nothing he has that I want. Except maybe his friendship. But the last few weeks have made me even question that. For him to tell me that I'm trying to take from him when I have done nothing but support and encourage him to get all that he has aquired, Really is the ultimate slap in the face...It hurt more than him actually punching me in the face. But I have let all that go now. And I feel free. I don't have to fight and argue and feel like everything is on me or my fault. I'm not owning the convictions that other people put on me. I'm not owning the judgements that people may have for me, that only listen to one side of the story. I know that I have tried to give Eiran all the love and support I have in me to give. I accept the fact that what I have to give was not good enough for him. I'm used to it. But why would I want either of us to remain in a situation where we both are miserable. I feel I made the right decision. He told me he was happy. He was finally in a situation with someone that makes him happy. And I am truly happy for him. I can rest easy knowing that. And I can embrace my future now too.

Venting Session

2011-11-01T14:21:00.000-07:00

I'm drained. To the point to where I don't give a damn how things work out. I don't care what happens to any anyone or anything. I just don't care. Or that's how I wish I could feel. I'm so tired of giving a shit about things and people that don't give a fuck about me. But so what right, that's life. It's what happens to each and every person at some time or another. So why should I let this bother me. Cus I'm dealing with it right now. Fuck what everyone else has gone through and what they might go through. That not my concern at this time.

Dear God,

2011-10-26T05:34:00.001-07:00

I dont know what this feeling of uneasiness that I'm having is about. But I pray for all my loved ones and friends and family. I pray that you keep them safe and cover in your protection all throughout the day, the rest of the week, into the weekend. I pray for understanding within myself and clearity as to the situations I'm dealing with internally. Please Lord, give me the strength to not break down, to not hold grudges, and to not be bitter. I ask you for Peace of mind and spirit this morning. I need it the most.

IN JESUS' NAME,

AMEN

Today's Truth

2011-10-24T19:31:00.000-07:00

I'm angry. Like really fucking angry. And it's behind that fact that I have been there for people and tried to be just what I needed them to be for me. To have my back and look out for me and support me, and shit, to at least give a damn about my well being. I don't hold on to the shit people have done to me to hurt me. I have done things for people and not thought twice about it. I have been a friend, companion, a support system all by myself, and that still has not been good enough for people. Everyone is so quick to cut me off and make me feel like I am the one that has done something wrong. And maybe what I did wrong was allow people into my life that didn't deserve to have me in it in the first place. I mean really. What the hell do I look like trying to make other peoples situations better for them when when its me no one can even pick up a phone and call or text message to see how I'm doing in the situation. FUCK THAT SHIT!!!! Hell yes, I'm pissed. I'm not a perfect person. People have a lot to deal with when it comes to me. I think that I have been angry for a very long time behind it being so easy for people to cut me off and make me feel like I'm the reason behind it. But yet, when they act a damn fool behind some shit....I'm right there to let them know that I'm not going anywhere. I have put up with attitudes and mood swings and drunken fits, and people getting arrested and not having one person try to put up the pieces and had people cheat on me and beat my ass, and alienate my friends, and pout and cry because they don't like what I have to say. And still if they really need something they can still come and say, "Oh, I need a favor." WTF is that shit. And I really that much of a fucking push over. But yet I'm always the one called evil. I'm done. I mean it. I don't give a fuck, I'm reaching out to anyone that ain't reaching out for me. I will not be this person anymore. I will not continue to care about people that don't give and flying fuck about me and who I proved myself to be to them. Through my actions of giving a fuck about who they really are. Accepting them, flaws and all and getting not a damn thing back in return. This is how I have been feeling for the past few days. And its stopping me from even entertaining people that would even like the opportunity to getting to know me. But I just don't really want to be bothered. I was told that I should let the past stop me from allowing someone into my future. But I can't even trust my own judgement at this point with people. Everyone that I have loved and cared for has in some way shown me that when I really need them, they will not be there. I hate that I am here now where I don't want to get to know anyone again. I'm good on love cus I'm tired of being the fool in the relationships and friendships with people. I'm done.

Today's Truth

2011-10-21T12:59:00.001-07:00

Im doing it again. Thinking that what I feel about someone else matters to them. But then I get this realization that if they didn't have me in their life, they probably wouldn't miss out on too much. I mean I sometimes cannot see what I bring to people. People do not need me. Let alone want me. So I really am confused as to why I am even allowing myself to care about anything at all. The truth of the matter is, I can have all the feelings and desires for someone and it isn't going to mean a thing because they dont want that from me.

Josh and Trey

2011-10-20T10:21:00.001-07:00

I have recently had the opportunity of meeting 2 of the most amazing people. In my opinion this 2 individuals are some of the phinest men on the planet. And I have the pleasure of bringing them together. Certain things are just meant to take place. And they were certainly meant to show me what it looks and feels and sounds like to be in love with someone so deeply that is completes you both. To Trey and Josh, I admire what you both are to each other. I am grateful to have had the pleasure of coming in contact with you. Iam excited about the future you both will share and I hope that I can always be a part of you. Because you are both a part of me. Thank you sexy daddies.

2011-10-19T17:35:00.001-07:00

It is really the end....

The end of my marriage. We signed the paperwork and it has been mailed off. I remember, Iwas so happy when we first got togther. I finally thought Ihad found someone that would always be there for me and I could be there for him. My Equal. Someone that loves just as hard as I have been known to. But I have found that my love has a limit. It's still unconditional because I haven't stopped loving Eiran. I have stopped believing that staying in a relationship where you are not happy is an act of love. That saying about loving someone and letting them go is so so true. The only thing is, sometimes they just don't come back. There are just some things you can never come back from. One thing for me is having someone I'm with put their hands on me in a violent manor. Ihave been there done that and I am done with it. If i feel i have to fight you physically, I lose all desire to make it work any longer. And that is where Eiran and me got to. Our relationship became volitile. I cant and wont live that way, with anyone. I dont care how much I may love them. I know in my heart of hearts I tried to give Eiran everything I had in me to give. I tried loving him past both our hurts from past relationships. I supported and encouraged. But I did not baby that man. I do not sugar coat. I do not filter. I dont do that for anyone anymore. People call me evil, bitter, jaded.....I say that I tell the truth. And I'm just as honest with myself as Iam with other people. I cannot be everything for everybody. I cannot fulfill every desire and need. If I'm really honest, I dont even have it in me to even try anymore. And I know that is what was the real issue in the relationship with Eiran and myself. He wanted me to have all this desire to give him exactly what he needed and wanted and react to situations the way he felt they should be and that never happened. The passion for each other really did disapate and die away and we became resentful of each other and the way we handled things. TO ME THAT SAYS, THIS IS COMING TO AN END. Iam not glad about the decision I made to end my marriage, but I do feel it was the best decision for both of us. Together we werent growing. Now we have the chance to if we choose to take it. What's the point in trying to fix something that has been broken for a long time now?

Today's Truth

2011-10-05T20:26:00.001-07:00

More unsure about everything as ever. I don't like this feeling of instability in my life. I dont like coming to the conclusion that Ihave no control over anything in my life. Im just letting the chips fall where they may with everything. I cant afford to make any plans because no matter what I choose there is no guarantee that anything will turn out the way I feel they should. Im scared. That's the truth

Today's Truth

2011-08-12T08:48:00.001-07:00

In this moment I feel really good. Things are good in my life in most aspects. I still don't know what is going to happen with my job situation but I'm giving that to God. He is the only one that can figure it out. I'm believing that whatever is supposed to happen will happen. And that I will be just fine. I have peace about it too. It's not just talk our me trying to convince myself. I really have faith that God is going to work it out for my good. My relationship has been getting better in my opinion. I love Eiran. He's a great person. He's thoughtful and caring. even though we have been through some serious issues at least I can say that we made it through together. Whatever comes I party we can do it together.

Today's Truth

2011-08-04T20:40:00.000-07:00

I'm losing that feeling. That feeling of being special all on my own. Having that one thing that is just mine and mine alone. I have yet to feel exciting or that my life is doing something that is not so mundane. I guess I just have to admit that I'm not satisfied. I am happy for the most part in my relationship. I have someone that is special and kind (most of the time lol) And someone who really knows me and I know them. Someone that I don't and shouldn't ever have to pretend with. And it's nice. But there are things that have transpired that stay in the back on my mind and I question whether or not this is how it really is supposed to be. I mostly question myself on if I am really who I am supposed to be. Not only for him but for me. It's a scary things to look in the mirror and never like what you see. Never feeling like you are enough......can do enough.....be enough. I don't if all this is residual effects from my past and nothing I will or can ever shake or if this is just me making issues out of nothing. I just hope that I can find that something within myself that makes me really feel like I am living the life I am supposed to be living.....and enjoy it.

Untitled

2011-07-26T18:42:00.001-07:00

As much as I want to make certain people happy and fulfill their every need and desire, I just can't. Its not because I don't have the desire to its because the way they go about getting it is a total turn off. I don't like getting rejected and I certainly doing like being rejected but you can't always make yourself feel something for someone that its not there. You can love that person with your whole heart and soul but that doesn't mean you want to jump their bones all the time. Especially when you don't feel any passion for yourself. When you look in the mirror and you see all the things you want to change, physically, when you can't get excited because if the things that are wrong emotionally and medically. When you're afraid that you could pass something on that you wouldn't wish anyone to ever have to deal with, how can passion be felt at all.

Trying to explain the situation is not helpful because it's like looked at as nothing more than excuses. The other person becomes resentful. Which in return makes you feel just as resentful as they do. They start making snide remarks and distancing themselves. What do you do? What's the best way to deal with this situation? You know what they want. You know that it's the biggest issue you all have. You don't want them feeling like they do. You dont want to stop them from experiencing all they deserve. But you know that things aren't happening the way they should. You feel like you're depriving then if everything they want. Is that fair? Is it selfish to keep them in limbo, knowing they aren't truly happy and you don't know if the situation is ever going to change? I mean really in the midst of not trying to be the selfish one that is how I am portrayed.

Spending habits

2011-07-26T11:14:00.001-07:00

I really need to calm down. I have been going a lil overboard with the spending lately. I bought the new Evo 3D, the new galaxy tab 10.1, my canon for my birthday. And I don't regret it. I haven't been able to do for myself like this in so long. Its always been about taking care if the household and helping others get what they want and need. I feel like its my turn right now. But I have to do better. I have to continuing being practical. I gotta start making plans for the future. I can't spend up everything now. So I'm just gonna chill for the next few months. See what allI can save then do.

Today's Truth

2011-07-25T19:28:00.001-07:00

I feel like it has been forever since I have blogged. There has been so much going on with me but I stopped posting it all for the world to see because certain people in my life seemed to have a problem with me exposing things that were happening. I have my moments when I know certain things should be kept between just the individuals involved. I also know that this blog was never about getting other people to read my posts. It was just about me expressing my feelings. An outlet for me to be me and say whatever I wanted to say and feel anyway I wanted to feel. But I do also have to respect other people's privacy. They have the right not to feel like they are being bashed for whatever reason. So if some of my posting seems a little vague.... Then u now the reason is because other's feelings are attempting to be spared. But I need to get back to doing this for me. It's something I enjoy. It's my own personal therapy. And I intend to commit to it.

Today's Truth

2011-07-19T09:01:00.001-07:00

It's hard to know how to handle every situation. It's hard not to develop attitudes when things never work out right out the way we think they should. We can only do what we can to make our lives be what they need to be. I have been dealing with a lot lately. Work is up in the air because they can't seem to come up with a damn budget. So, come the 2nd of August, if there isn't one they will be looking to lay people off. I could be one of those people. I gave it to God. There's nothing I can do but continue to work until they tell me can't. I'm believe it is all going to work out for my good.

Okay, here goes. Truth is, the more you hold omto something (which constantly pulls away), the more it becomes harmful to you. Truth is, the more you choose to give your all to someone (who chooses only to take some), the more your heart hurts. What to do

2011-06-06T10:51:00.001-07:00

Make urself the priority....if they wont make u one then they arent worth u giving ur all to them. Why would u continue putting ur all into someone that doesnt feel the same about u?

Why Lie? The Truth Hurts More

Today's Truth

2011-06-03T07:19:00.000-07:00

I worry a lot. I worry about the people in my lives. I worry about how they are doing? I worry if they are happy. If the people they love are treating them right. I worry if they are being good to themselves and making the right choices. I know that I can't fix the issues in their lives. But that doesn't mean that I don't want to. I just worry. I care. Even with trying to shut it off, I know that I cant. I know that if I didn't worry about them, they wouldn't be special to me. So even at a distance, I worry. I care. Because caring about someone and really making them apart of your life means that they never leave your heart just because they leave your sight. So I just pray that God continues to keep them and bless them. I may worry, but I know He can keep them when I can't.

Today' Truth

2011-06-02T07:58:00.001-07:00

Eventhough there is something about Eiran that makes me wanna pull off his arms and slap him with them.....i love him. Thats the simple part. Thats all it comes down to. I love him. Making a relationship work is hard. Keep a marriage together is harder. In my heart im married to this man. I committed my life to him. That means more to me than anyone could even imagine. Even him I think. I have been told that I dont show him enough that I want him. I gotta work on that...cus I know now that waking up somewhere he is not, without knowing when im going to see him, makes me feel empty inside. Even when he is making me want to poke myself in the eye with tooth picks... He's mine and im his. That all I know right now

Today's Truth

2011-05-31T05:26:00.001-07:00

I'm so done with it all. The more I try with people the harder it gets. Im just over it completely. Right about now I would erase some people from my whole world. Whats the point in having people around that feel u are a burden. I have to justify every action I take but its not good enough for people. If if aint how they would do it, then my efforts dont mean shit. Well then so be it. I once didnt know u. If knowing and being around me or with me is so hard and u feel ur not getting what u need from me on whatever level. Why in the hell are u still here. I dont keep no nigga, no friends, no body of they dont wanna be kept. When I actually make a decision to care about someone and do my best to show it they look past it. Its always the same but im gonna be different this time. If u think im gonna run after u. If u think ill be responding to texts. It you think ill be sitting around giving a fuck that ur mad.....ha....u must not know me. I have busted my ass too long for anyone to twist my intentions, my motives, my feelings into something they r not. I have been there and supported and helped and pushed. But no one has to worry about me minding my own business or staying out of their way. I wont be around that long for u to notice.

Lost

2011-04-28T20:26:00.001-07:00

I could really loose myself

Just up and disappear completly.

and that would be fine.

I'd enjoy being lost for a while.

Not having to worry about anything,

except maybe me.

I could loose myself, inside myself

and feel perfectly content.

To be lost means I will be found

But not until I'm ready.

I have lost sight of me,

By getting lost in u.

and I'm taking myself back.

If I'm going to be lost,

It will be on my terms.

I'm lost;

I could stay lost;

but I'm on my way back to being found.

Today's Truth

2011-03-14T12:37:00.000-07:00

I feel that God wants me to build people up. To motivate them into being better for themselves. I have been doing this with people my whole life. Being able to see the potential they have: their own greatness that they may have trouble seeing. I want people to feel comfortable with me and feel that I am genuine. I like that people can put their trust in me and come to me with their innermost feelings about life and love and issues. It's wonderful feeling that people admire who you for just being who you are and being able to be honest with them about who they are. But it's hard when you can see all the great things that are going to happen for others and you can't see them happening for yourself. I have always been able to to know when something good was about to take place for someone else. I remember on many occasions seeing things coming for the ones I loved but I couldn't see me being a part of it. I guess I had made the journey with them to the point to where they didn't need me anymore. My purposed had been served in their life. All these these great things are happening to so many people that I love and will probably, yet again, be the one that ends up be left alone, struggling to keep myself together. But I have learned to just take the bitter with the sweet. I'm going to continue on my journey and serving my purpose. I don't know any other way to be.

Today's Truth

2011-02-26T19:25:00.000-08:00

I can't share every thought or feeling I have with everyone. Some things I can share with anyone. Those things have to stay between me and God. Because if I let those feeling out I would end up hurt or end up hurting somebody. So things you have to keep bottled up. No matter how much you may want to let them out, it would be devastating if you did. People form opinions, they feel they can judge you based on what they feel it right and wrong. I know cause I have done it. I try my best to never judge anyone for anything they might do or say in the heat of the moment. But the fact is that some things are just meant to stay a secret. No good can come from letting those thoughts be exposed. Just keep it to yourself. And hopefully they will die away so they will not consume your entire life.

Random Truth

2011-02-24T19:43:00.001-08:00

I want so many things to happen. I'm just not sure what is actually good for me to have and what's not. I have lost touch with who I am because I lost sight of who I was. What I thought was good was the worst thing for me. What I gave my all to, blinded my way. I was lost and afraid. Then really alone. Then I thought I found what I wanted and needed again. Only to be disappointed and left feeling even more alone. So what now? What is supposed to happen? What's next for me, if not being alone, then with who? Will I be enough? I've never been enough. Never enough to fulfill what I really wanted. Never enough to stand fast and ready for whatever may come my way. Never enough up to the standards set before me. So why try? To try is to fail. Failing; there is no appeal. But neither is not trying. If I stop trying will I ever be enough? Maybe that's my problem. I'm enough, but no one knows it. Not even me.

Today's Truth

2011-02-03T07:51:00.000-08:00

That feeling you get in the pit of stomach. That nagging feeling letting you something isn't right.....TRUST THAT FEELING! When you have a discerning spirit (this is a gift everyone should pray for) you learn to trust your instincts above all else. This can make you suspicious of some people in your life. But if that warning sign is going off, obviously, those people need to be under evaluation. Everyone that’s in your life doesn't mean to do you good. I heard it Sunday at church, "either a person is there to help you move forward, or they are they hold you back from being where you’re supposed to be". You have to watch. Be cautious with people. If you feel like you have to guard yourself all the time when you’re around them, STAY AWAY FROM THEM. If for some reason you can't stay away from them, you watch and feed them enough rope so they can hang themselves with it. Because eventually, they always will.

Today's Truth

2011-02-01T06:53:00.000-08:00

I went to church Sunday and the scripture the Bishop came from was Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12.

"Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken."

Now to me it was interesting for this to be the scripture on this particular day, when I was dealing with make a decision about my marriage to Eiran. We have gotten to a point where nothing seems to be able to move forward. We are always at each other throats about how the other is making us feel. I have been accused of being insensitive and heartless to his emotional needs. I think that he is selfish as hell and is only concerned with what is going to make him happy rather than allowing me to deal with my own inner demons. But the scripture, to me, brought me back to the reason why I said yes to putting my name together with his in the first place. I wanted to be connected to him. I wanted us to come together and have something great. But we lost our way. He had packed up his things and was should have been on a plan yesterday, but God saw fit to let us both see through his word and our very good friend, that its worth it try and work it out. We have to exhaust ever resource we have to get back what we once had. So counseling, here we come. It's something that I know should be beneficial one way or the other. But I do know that if it comes out that we shouldn't be together then I will be able to move on without any regret. I believe we are better than we are apart. I believe that forever can be as long as we allow it to be. So here's to giving it a shot.

ayyyy howd u get through the holiday season. got a a New Years resolution?

2011-01-05T06:41:00.001-08:00

I got thru it like I always do....Believing God for better in the future. My resolution is to let go of old dreams that have no hope of coming true.

Why Lie? The Truth Hurts More

Stepping into a New Year!

2010-12-31T19:36:00.001-08:00

Can u believe that 2010 is over? Another decade under our belts. So much has happened within the last ten years. So many lessons have been learned. So many people have come in and out of my life. Some I thought would be here always are nowhere to be found. Others I see, continuously, are never going too far. Some I am still learning and thankful that I get the chance to learn them as well.

The place where I am right at this moment is a place I am choosing to enjoy. That's the biggest lesson I have learned over the past decade. Everything comes down to our choices. The quality of life we have is determined on the choices we make for ourselves. At one point I was choosing to be miserable based on what I didn't have that everyone else seemed to. I was so unhappy with life that I was ready for it to end. But God saw fit to keep me here to learn more about who it is I am really supposed to be. I no longer worry about what other people think about my lifestyle. I no longer worry about if I need to go out of my way to get people to stay. I have learned that people do what is right for them and I have to do the same. The choices that people have made that effected my life in the past could not have happened if I didn't allow it. I didn't know that at the time. I spent so much time blaming them for my pain and heartache that I stopped living my life for me. While they were happy doing what they wanted to be doing, I was a pathetic mess that lost what made me great in the first place. In this coming new year I'm making the choice to never forget my own worth, ever EVER again.

I'm going to embrace all of who I am. Flaws and all. Only through our mistakes can we learn what to do better in the future. And I do want to be better. Better than I have ever been in this life. Better at making myself as happy as possible. Better at choosing the right people to let into my life. Better at being a teacher to those who may go through the things I have been through, already. I want to be able to look back and say I lived my life and I'm happy about how it turned out.

I have learned that being honest about who you are and what want and what you do may not make everyone like u as a person, but they will respect you. They will respect that you keep it 100 even when it doesn't put you in the best light. I refuse to have anyone ever be able to say that I was a fake and phony individual. My Aunt Betty stressed to the max; treat people as you, yourself would like to be treated. I just want people to show me who they really are and not think that they ever have to put on a front for me to be a part of their lives. I never want anyone to feel like I'm judging them for what they do into their personal lives. I have learned to meet people right where they are at.....and leave them right there too.

Ive decided that I'm not taking any of the negative thoughts and feelings into the new year. I have to first forgive myself for the mistakes I've made. I hope that if I did or said anything to anyone that caused them pain or heartache that they can forgive me. I know what that is like and I don't wish it on anyone. I have to forgive the people that caused me pain. I held on to so much resentment for them that it almost cost me my sanity. I will not allow anyone to steal my joy. And I don't ever want to take away from someone else experiencing all the joy that they deserve to have.

God has allowed me, just within this last year, to realize my gifts and to have those gifts work to my benefit. I'm so excited to see what other gifts God is going to allow me to realize I have. That's my hope for everyone I hold dear in my heart. That they know their worth and realize the gifts that God has given them and allow them to make the most of those gifts. I know so many people that are their own obstacles. They stand in their own way of being happy and successful. They can't see how amazing they are. This next decade is going to be about taking all the lessons learned and applying them 10 fold. We already have everything we need. God has been preparing us for what we are about to walk into. I, for one, am ready like never before.

I could keep going on and on but I'm just grateful that I have made it here now. We all should be grateful because tomorrow is not promised to anyone. So lets step into the new year being happy and thankful for all the things we have learned and all the things we are going to accomplish this year.

Happy New Year!

JUST WONDERING....

2010-12-24T04:08:00.001-08:00

I have to wonder how long people really think they can play games with someones mind & emotions, before it all blows up in their face.

Today's Truth

2010-12-22T07:33:00.000-08:00

I'm at this point in my life all I want is peace. I don't want to have to deal with any drama from anyone or anything. And I feel like the best way for me to have peace is to just not care. Stop caring so much about other people and what's going on with them. I have seen it over and over and over again. People come to expect me to be there and listen to all their issues. But I'm not supposed to have an opinion about it. I am just supposed to sit and nod my head. And that is exactly what I am going to do now. I am over thinking anyone is going to look out for me. It's just not going to happen. I'm remember the blog on wrote on HOPES vs. EXPECTATIONS. I thought it was better to have hope that people will be there for you rather than to expect it. Hell, HOPES die too. At this point whatever is going to happen with people is going to happen. I can't do a damn thing about it, and trying too only seems to make matters worse. So I'm good. I'm cool on all of it. I'm not mad. I'm not upset. I'm just cool. Because I know its me with the issues. I'm the one that cares too much. So I'm just not going to.

Never Have You....

2010-09-25T08:32:00.000-07:00

Never have you met a person like this before.

Someone that will stimulate your mind as well as your body.

Someone wanting to reach the depths of you soul that have never been touched.

Someone willing to give as much as they get.

Someone who is going to teach you new things as well as willing to be taught new things by you.

Open to all the possibilities, but guarded from the bullshit.

Someone who is their own person

Someone who never wants you come compromise your own person

Someone willing to be everything you allow them to be in you life,

While building you up to do it all on your own.

A leader who allows you to take the lead.

A teacher who can also be the student.

Someone who looks for an equal.

Someone that can match them on all levels.

You've never met a person like this before.

Are You Ready?

Are You Ready,

to allow yourself to be swept up,

into new emotions that you never knew existed?

Are you ready,

to allow yourself to let go of the inhibitions,

and loose yourself completely,

only to be found again,

better than you were before.

Are You Ready?;

to prove yourself worthy of such love and devotion,

to be held accountable for everything that you are,

or could ever hope to be.

You Better Get Ready.

Because you have never had someone like this before.

I'm Curious...

2010-09-10T21:36:00.000-07:00

It really has been on my mind lately to found out more about my father and his side of the family. But do I really want to go through the trouble. No one in my family has ever brought him up. There has been no talk except that he signed over his parental rights to my Aunt after my mother died. But he has been right there in Melbourne, FL the whole time with all the rest of my family. I'm sure some have seen him. But for me, he's a mystery. He could walk up to me on the street and shake my hand and I wouldn't know who he was. I'm not even all that concerned about him. He obviously didn't want too much to do with me since he hasn't attempted to make contact with me or anyone that knows me. I heard his mother was still alive. I vaguely remember her. I have this random memory of me having too birthday cakes one year. One from her and one from my mother and Grandma Minnie. I would like to know her. I would like to know if I have any other brothers and sisters. If they would like to have a relationship with me, then I'm all for it. But I guess the fear that they wouldn't is what is going to keep me away. Not that it would hurt me to be rejected by them. You cant take to heart the actions of people you don't know. Its the people that you are closest to that hurt you the most. But still I'm a little curious I must say. And since I am getting older I would like to at least know of them if not get to know them for myself.

Today's Truth

2010-09-06T05:09:00.000-07:00

It's Labor Day and I don't have a damn thing planned. I'm actually babysitting. Which is cool because I love these kids. They can b a hand full though. That just gets me to thinking. How I will never be able to have kids of my own. Not because I'm gay. But because I'm HIV positive. I hate this virus is going to stop me from having a child of my own. But I refuse to let it stop me from giving my love to a child. I know there a lot of kids out there that don't have parents of their own. But someone takes them in and loves them, sometimes better than their own biological parents would. I know that since I lost my mother, my Aunt Betty has raised me like her own. My own father didn't want the responsibility. That's been on my mind a lot lately as well. My father. It's always been interesting to me that he has been around my family in Melbourne. They see him and know him. But I have no idea who he is. I have never seen a picture. Never had any contact. Not even a card. I just recently found out that my other grandmother, my father's mother, is still alive. It amazes me how no one has ever reached out. But hey, it is what it is. I see these people going about life, making all these babies. They take it for granted. They take the kids for granted. No child asks to be here. And spending time with them is what really matter's.

I'm a little irritated with my godson's father. He has not seen his son in 3 weeks. I don't know if he understands that he is not hurting anyone but his kid. He's not hurting the mother by staying away. All the his son knows is that daddy isn't there anymore.

I don't know if I would even want a relationship with my father at this point. I am curious about him though. I would like to know if I have any other siblings. Maybe I could have a relationship with them. But who knows. I don't know if I should reach out or if I should let it be. I have always thought that if someone wanted to get in contact with me, they would. I'm not a hard person to find. I apply that philosophy to everyone that is in my life now. If someone really wants to be in my life they will make the effort to do so.

Today's Truth

2010-08-18T06:56:00.001-07:00

I don't know what God is about to do but it's about to be something. And I'm ready for it. Whatever that something might be. I feel like I'm about to be tested in some way. All the things that I have learned about myself and adapted to my life are about to, for sure, TESTED! Don't ask me how I know I just feel it. And I just have to keep reminding myself that God's Got It. I don't have to worry about anything or anyone because He's got it. He's Brought me this far. Who I was back in the day is not the same person that I am now. My happiness and joy is not centered on any one individual. Those that have hurt me CAN'T HURT me anymore. Those that will attempt to try have already FAILED. And those that are meant to be right by my side, WILL BE! And the new folks that have a real purpose, I'M READY FOR YOU! One monkey don't stop the show. And I will not allow the ignorance of others to stop me. I'm happy. I'm going to continue to be happy. I'm doing what I should be doing. And I'm going to just sit back and see what God is about to Bless me with next. There is always going to be something that we all have to deal with. Well I'm ready for it!

Today's Truth

2010-08-08T08:07:00.000-07:00

I'm just sitting and thinking this morning. About all the things that have brought me to where I am. Somethings I miss. Some people I miss. Some people I don't care a thing about. If we never spoke again, i would be alright with that. But I am glad for what they are able to show me about myself. And that's the silver lining. There is always a lesson to be learned. There is always a way to improve yourself even when it's in the middle of a trial so great that you feel lost and alone. I have to remember that even though at the time I felt lost and alone. I really wasn't. God was showing me something I needed to see. He was taking something away from me, to open the door to something else. It may not have always been the something that I wanted. But it has always been what I have needed. I remember how things were. Life seems to be dragging along. Now I can see life happening. I see the people around me changing. I see that God is moving in places that I never saw before. And I'm just glad. I'm just happy that my eyes have been opened. And I can look back and see what He was trying to do back then.

Today's Truth

2010-07-28T08:33:00.000-07:00

I refuse to let anyone or anything still my joy. I am grateful for all that I have and all that God is going to Bless me with. So I will not let another individual get to me or stop me from being who I am. I have lost out on so much in my past by allowing what others thought of me to rule my emotions. And I WILL NOT live that way anymore. I don't care who it might be. Friend, family, acquaintance, co-worker. WHOEVER! Nobody is going to take from me what I am not willing to give. And one thing you can't take is my self-worth. I may have to deal with a lot of things in my life. I may not be perfect. I may not even be living the life that other people think that I should be. I am however gonna be honest and real. I'm going to be me. And if someone doesn't like it. OH THE HELL WELL! I once didn't know you. Will be just fine without you. There will be no love lost. But I choose who and what I let into my life. I thank the one's that put me back on tract. God spoke through you. Thank you.

It's Been a While.

2010-07-10T04:44:00.000-07:00

WOW!!! I haven't posted a blog in a while now. There's really no excuse for it. Honestly, I have just been really lazy. I haven't been wanting to post all this negativity in my life. That seems to be usually when I write. But a lot of good things have been happening in my life here lately. Eiran and I have been together, officially as domestic partners, for one whole year now. Boy, have we had our ups and downs. But we have made it this far and we are looking ahead. We both are in school right now. Trying to move to the next level in our professional lives. I, personally, am ready for the next phase. I want to be able to either move up in the agency as an officer or taking over and administrative position. Lets hope that I can accomplish this in the next 3 years. That is my personal deadline. Wanna have my credit together and be buying a house by then.

You know, a lot of times things seem to look a certain way but they end up being something totally different when you see them up close. It's true about a lot of people. Myself included. I feel like people only see me in one way. But there is really so many other things that make me, me. I still don't think that people really take the time to get to know others for who they really are. They can be so guarded and judgemental. They assume that your one way, when you're entirely something different. I'll be glad when people stop doing that. I will be glad when people begin to understand that it takes all types of individuals to make up this world. We have to take the good with the bad. Because the bad is inevitable.

I know yall are like, wtf!@ This fool done went off and started talking about some way out shit. But hey, I was having a moment and I needed to get it out. DEAL WITH IT!! LOL! I have just been noticing a lot of things about people lately. I have been noticing things about people and they way they look at me. I just try to keep it real with everyone because that is all I want them to do with me. I don't think that everything should be sugar coated. I did that for far to long and it just got me walked all over. And I thought I was happy. I thought that was what I wanted. But I had to wake up. I had to open my eyes to who I really was and who I wanted to be. And I'm grateful to God for allowing me to see that. HE (God) saw they best in me. (I love that song, Marvin Sapp is the business). But HE wasn't the only one. I'm thankful for my husband/best friend who saw the best in me when no one else was even trying to look.

With that being said, I'm about to hop my ass back in the bed with him now. I don't even know why I'm up. Guess I was missing this too much. BUT I'M BACK... Sooo get ready.

why is it that you dont listen to the people that want the best for you,,,your just hard headed and would rather fndout yur self

2010-03-21T19:29:00.001-07:00

Wat can I say, its a gift!

Why Lie? The Truth Hurts More

why would you want to be hurt though?,,,

2010-03-21T19:27:00.001-07:00

No one wants to be hurt. It's just life that it happens.

Why Lie? The Truth Hurts More

Do you have any scars on your body? If so, how'd you get them?

2010-03-10T07:08:00.001-08:00

Yes a few. Mostly put there by other people.

Why Lie? The Truth Hurts More

If you had to give up one favorite food, what would the most difficult?

2010-03-10T07:07:00.001-08:00

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream

Why Lie? The Truth Hurts More

Who's the most beautiful person you know?

2010-03-10T07:06:00.001-08:00

Jesus

Why Lie? The Truth Hurts More

What TV show makes you laugh the loudest?

2010-03-10T07:05:00.005-08:00

Martin

Why Lie? The Truth Hurts More

Would you rather swim in a pool or the ocean?

2010-03-10T07:05:00.003-08:00

LOL a pool...i watch Jaws too much as a child

Why Lie? The Truth Hurts More

If you won a million dollars what would you do with it?

2010-03-10T07:05:00.001-08:00

pay off my debt and buy a home.

Why Lie? The Truth Hurts More

What was the worst advice you've ever received?

2010-03-10T07:04:00.001-08:00

I can't think of any bad advice I've gotten.

Why Lie? The Truth Hurts More

If you could change one thing that happened last year what would it be?

2010-03-10T07:02:00.001-08:00

I'd change the fight that accured between me and my husband that made us be in the situation we are in today

Why Lie? The Truth Hurts More

Why are you hiding from me?

2010-03-07T08:19:00.001-08:00

Who the hell hiding?

Ask me anything

formspring.me

2010-03-01T10:49:00.001-08:00

What color underwear are u wearing today?

Who said I was wearing any lol

Ask me anything

Everything To Me, Eiran!!

2010-02-23T15:01:00.001-08:00

This song embody's everything I feel for my babe. It's even better that it's sung by and artist that we both love. Ms. Monica is just killin this song. LOVE her. And I LOVE YOU, EIRAN!!!

~Those Eyes~

2010-01-31T19:23:00.001-08:00

Eyes that penetrate the soul.

Seeing right through you.

To every inch of you.

The darkest parts.

The best parts.

The parts that don't have a definition.

The hidden away parts.

The parts you're afraid to share.

But that's the part he loves the most.

Because it belongs to just him.

He sees all the things that even you can't see.

He can take the pain away.

He can fill the void because only he knows just where it is.

The wound that only he can heal.

I love looking into those eyes.

Because it means they are looking that much deeper into mine.

I was at : 8036 Etiwanda Ave, Rancho Cucamonga, CA 91739,

Blogging from my new phone

2010-01-31T05:38:00.001-08:00

This is so cool I found and application just for my Blogger account that allows me to blog from my HTC Hero. This is going to be so cool.

I was at : 8036 Etiwanda Ave, Rancho Cucamonga, CA 91739,

Today's Truth

2010-01-28T07:38:00.000-08:00

Remember: Someone who tries to pull you down, is someone that is already beneath you.

Can't Have You As a Friend

2010-01-27T07:10:00.000-08:00

I have never experienced this before. Someone that I have known for a very long time. Since the 5th grade actually. Her name is Hasani. We hit it off as really good friend. We finished up elementary school together. Then went to the same Jr. High. In high school we were split up due to the fact that my Aunt would not let me transfer. She was always so sweet and understanding. She was my best friend for a long time. She ended up moving. Going to different schools and we kinda lost touch. For a while, especially after high school, I didn't know where she was. I wasn't in contact with anyone that really knew her. But I would run into her sister Meisha every now and then. That's when I found out she had moved to Louisiana and gotten married and started making babies. We got back in touch some time later through Myspace. And come to find out for a period of time she had moved back out to Cali while her husband was away at war. (She had her a Army Man lol) And who she was out here going to cosmetology school that was right down the street from where I lived. I went to visit her a couple of times. We talked and caught each other up on what was going on in out lives. Now mind you. I have been out of the closet for years. She was one of the first people that every told. I remember because it was the summer going into out freshman year of high school that I opened up and told her about myself. She told me that she loved me and always would be there. Well after us catching up, she up and went back to Louisiana again. I think that her husband was coming back. Which was great. Only thing is I didn't have anyway to get in contact with her again.

Just the other day, I was doing a search on Facebook (which I'm on all the time) and I came across her page. I was so excited. I found my long lost friend again and I told her that I didn't want to loose touch again. She said the same and commented on one of my pictures. I had some things that I needed to catch her up on yet again. Especially about Eiran and I getting together and putting our names together. On facebook her last name are hyphenated just like mine is now. She asked me what that was about. My response was for the same reason that hers was lol. The next message I got was something that I was never expecting:

hey devin, you know i love you we have so much history. i don't think that i have stayed in contact with anyone as long as i did with you. I LOVE YOU but I LOVE GOD EVEN MORE, i cant have you as a friend because the word said that being with another man is an abomintion(Rev..) and MY HOLE LIFE IS GOING TO BE HOW GOD WANTS IT TO BE, Ill always be praying for you, God Bless

(WTF)

My response was: U have known I was gay since 8th grade and now u can't b my friend. LOL that's hilarious how u wanna bring God into ur judgement of me. Good luck with that.

At first I was upset. I couldn't believe that after all these years of her knowing about me, she would just up and decided that I couldn't be in her life. A part of me still doesn't. But hey it is what it is. I thought about it again and asked myself what was it that I was trying so hard to hold on to. A so-called friendship that was based on the wrong things I guess. I have never had a friend of mind turn there back on me. And to have them use there love of God as an excuse for it. I mean come one now. God is love. We're supposed to love each other like we love ourselves. For her to tell me that I'm no longer acceptable to be her friend. "Wow" is all I can say. Now it's just whatever to me. I don't have time for people who claim they know God and who can try and condemn me.

I ONCE DIDN'T KNOW YOU is what I say to anyone who doesn't feel I'm good enough to be in there lives. And I'm going to keep living my life to the fullest without you.

Today's Truth

2010-01-18T03:48:00.000-08:00

I didn't tell everyone that I have started back to school. I think it's going to be really fun. Then again I'm not sure because I haven't been in school for so long. But we will see. The class I am taking right now is a History class. The professor is really cool. Blunt as hell, which you know I like because that's just how I am. Going back to school has been important to me and I really don't want anything to cause me to stop again. I need to do this for me. This should have been done a long time ago. But I have always put the needs of others before myself. Well not this time. I need to do this for the betterment of me. If nothing else I just want to be able to say that I accomplished something on my own. I see people around me doing the things that I should be doing myself. People who have held me back because I was too busy looking out for them. But its not even about them. It's about me. Finally I know that its about me and that if anything is going to change in life it has to start with me. It feels good to be with someone now who is on the same path as me. Eiran is doing the same to better himself. He is back in school as well and that's to wonderful. Sitting here right now I just feel like we could be an unstoppable team if we just don't allow stupid things and other people to mess us up. We have the potential to have everything that we could every want together. I see that. I hope he does too. Growing individually and collectively. It's an awesome feeling.

The Sound of my Mood

2010-01-17T07:43:00.001-08:00

Today's Truth

2010-01-07T11:11:00.000-08:00

I've been slacking again. It's been cause my computer has been messed up for a while now. I got a new one. But had to take it back when my car for impounded and I didn't have all the money I needed to get it out. But any who.....I didn't get to write anything for Christmas or New Years. The holidays really suck for me. Every year its something. I'm so tired of being broke. I am very grateful that I didn't have to spend it alone. I have my babe. But still, I wanted our first Christmas to be so much more than it was. Yes we have alot to be thankful for. The bills are paid. We have a roof over our heads. The job I have is sustaining us. Which is Great! But I want more. I want to be able to action plan something. Or maybe even to just be able to to go out somewhere with my friends and pay for myself. I hate that all the money I make goes towards bills all the time. And every single time it seems like things may be getting a little better, something always happens and to set things back. I told Eiran that I don't know what is going to happen in 2010 but I will not be broke on another holiday. We will be doing something for our birthdays. We will be getting the furniture we want. I'm tired of being Broke Damnnit lol. That's my New Year's Resolution. I will not be broke in 2010.

What else is going on in 2010. Oh, I'm starting school. I'm just taking one class right now because all the other ones I wanted to take were full. Next semester though, I will be taking a full load. I hope to at least get my BA in Sociology. Eiran is starting back to school too. He's taking his online. More power to him. I'm not ready for that yet lol.

I just want this to be a better year than last for the both of us. I want us to be able to keep growing individually and together. There's so much that we can do as a team. I'm not trying to let petty problems get in the way of that. I need to work on my patience and my attitude. I think I have become harder than what I may need to be. I'm glad I know who I am though. Grateful for all the things that I have been through that has gotten me here. I'm just ready for the bigger and better things now. And I know that this year is truly the beginning of that.

I Can Admit When I'm Wrong

2010-01-05T08:14:00.000-08:00

I messed up. I am capable of making mistakes just like anyone else. But this mistake did cause my husband some grief. Which is something I didn't ever want to do. And since no one can tell on me better than I can. This is what happened.......

When Eiran and I got together and it was official that he was coming to be with me I deleted all my accounts on BGC and A4A. Those were the major sites that I was on that I knew would cause problems if I stayed on them. They are hook up sites mind you. But I forgot that I was on one other one. Adultspace. And on there I had pictures of myself. My body, face, ass, dick all that. I never really was on there much because I really didn't like the site. But the account was still active and honestly it totally slipped my mind. That is until about a month ago when I got an email from the Adultspace and I went on there. (I was curious and bored) Instead of doing what I knew I should do, which was deleting it right off the bat. I didn't. I started going on there from time to time. I even responded to messages. I would flirt a little. And look at the other profiles of other men. I never had any intention on doing anything outside of just talking shit with people online when I was bored. I never gave out my real name. Never gave a phone number. But I was still on there.

Well, Eiran decided to go through my phone, which we both do from time to time. And he found the site and went through some of the messages. He was highly upset. At 4:30 in the morning he was stomping through the house trying to find his wallet and keys so that he could go back on his New Years Resolution and go get some cigarettes. He was more hurt than anything because he feels like he is not enough for me sexually. He has felt that way in alot of his relationships. Which honestly he shouldn't. Sexually the man is gifted. The only thing that has been needing assistance is his approach. Sex has been so strained. All that has been stated in past entries.

I will say that I shouldn't have been on Adultspace regardless of the fact that I knew nothing would ever come from it. It was just passing the time. Talking shit with people who were nothing more than meaningless profiles. I have the real thing I have always been looking for at home.
I just hope that he can get past this and move on.

The Account has been deleted. There was never anything for him to worry about. But I know it's going to be in the back of his mind for a while now.

Today's Truth

2009-12-11T23:56:00.000-08:00

Another Friday is here. I'm sitting at my new desk on my new computer. It's late and I'm up because I slept all day. It started out good then got bad. My car was impounded. I'm not sure as to why just yet. The officer told me it has to due with my license being suspended. Which I new nothing about. I don't know how I'm going to be able to get it out. But I'm praying that God will see if to work it out. But that isn't the reason for this blog.....

I'm experiencing being married and actually sharing my life with someone who I want to be with. I have been ready for this for quite some time it seems. It's the most natural thing in the world to me. Even the not so great times seem to be behind us right now. Eiran and I both know that we are who we want to be with. Even when we get on each others nerves. It never lasts very long. I think his trip back to Atlanta, GA, that week, was really good for us. I feel at home with Eiran. I remember leaving work and knowing that he wasn't going to be there when I walked through the door. And I didn't like it. Not at all. I love the idea of us growing together. Experiencing our lives together is something I don't want to ever be without now. I know we both have to grow individually and collectively and I think were both on the same page with that now. He has realized some things, and so have I. It has been reaffirmed in me that I WANT this man in my life for the rest of it. And knowing that I want it makes all the difference in the world to me to try and work out every issue that may arise.

Dear Eiran

2009-12-04T07:55:00.000-08:00

You know its funny how things go from one extreme to the other. We were just talking about making plans for the weekend and next week. And now were talking about splitting up completely. It hurt for you to say that it may not even be official that we really aren't married. That our names may not officially be together yet. But I guess that was your purpose.

My whole life changed back in march. And I was oh so happy about it. Because I was ready for the change. I was ready to make the next step in m life. And that next step turned out to be you. Getting married to you even though technically in the eyes of the law its not a real marriage. But to me it is and that means to me....the two of us making a commitment and promise to each other, to be there for one another, to love one another, to support one another, to be honest with one another, even when it gets hard to do all that. And you were the one who asked me. So I really would have thought you would have more fight in you to make that happen. But as it stands, every single month since then has been you getting to this point yet again and saying its been a mistake. Why are we wasting our time? I never looked at you as a waste of time. I look at you like you are a part of my life. A huge part of my life that I don't want to loose. But I have come to the conclusion that I don’t have the fight in me to try and make someone else feel secure in me when they are not secure within themselves. I have tried to be there for in anyway that I can be. Sexually even when all the fun was taken out of it due to the fact that you put so much pressure on it. It wasn’t that way in the beginning and I don’t understand who u can think it should be that way now just because you have a so-called need.

I understand what it is that you want. I know that its not so much the act of sex you want from me...but the desire. I have the desire to be with you and make our marriage work. I want to stand but the commitment I made on May 15th when those papers where signed and sent off. The good and the bad I want Augustus Eiran Thompkins-Swindell by my side. I have tried to understand all your issues. I haven't wanted you to be unhappy with me or our life together. But nothing is good enough for you where I am concerned. You made the comment just a few days ago that you were going to make more of an effort to make sure that I knew how much you wanted to be with me. How much you loved me and wanted to make our marriage last. But here we are again today me feeling like I have failed again. Feeling like im not good enough. All you tend to focus on is what you gave up to be with me. And you not happy about it. If this was really want you wanted would you actually feel like you gave up something. Or would you feel u gain a whole lot more than what you had in the first place. I don’t think that’s the case for you. And you haven’t shown me anything otherwise.

You have shown me that you can decide with a quickness that you can leave. You want to hear the words, "Baby, no, please stay I need you" I do believe that is what you need to feel complete in a relationship. But my want for you is always going to be greater than my need. I want you to be in my life for all the good and bad times. I want to be there when you finally graduate from college, doing whatever it is that you decide to do. Whether it be becoming a lawyer, or para legal, or whatever. I want to be there to watch you grow as an individual and to be your counter part. See I know how to step aside and let my man shine on there own. And I know that I can't fix every single situation for you even though I try to do what I can. I'm not perfect though. And just because I cant be there for you in a certain way all the time the way you may want me to be. I will still always be there.

But my words are probably being read and look upon as if they are all a bunch of shit because im just an asshole who wants you to do nothing but what I want you to do. But if you really look at it. All that I have wanted you to do was the best Eiran that you can be. Be the Eiran that I know you can be. The Eiran that I have seen all along. The Strong, intelligent, funny, independent, confident, self-reliant, Caring, dorky, compassionate, Goofy, healthy, Understanding, stubborn, Sexy man who I fell in love with in the first place. And who said that he wanted the same thing from Me.

You want me to desire you and what to make love to you. Be that man that I know you can be. And stop trying to walk out on me every time we have a disagreement. Stop putting so much pressure on me just for the act of sex. Stop worrying if im satisfied with how you preform. Or if I bust a nutt every single time. You have nothing but idol time on your hands right now. You want me to make you feel like your worth everything when you don’t feel like your worth too much to yourself. But Babe, that’s your issue. You have always been more than enough for me...and it doesn’t have anything to do with how good you are in bed. That’s why people have wanted you in the past. I want you for all the reasons I stated above.

Now if you want to still leave and u really don’t think that we are worth it. Then you will not hear anything else from me. You can go and make whatever plans you need to make. And hopefully you will find what it is that you need. But you're not going to find it in someone else. You gotta find that in you. And you're gonna see that no one is perfect and no one is going to want the best for you like I do. I know my worth and I know that in my spirit. You deserve just like I do someone that is going to push my past my limits and fight with me to make me see the big picture. Someone who even in the midst of a dispute, Loves me still, for being the smart-ass that I am. The hard-core, brutally honest person that I have always been, that you fell in love with.

LOVE YOUR HUSBAND

Melanie Fiona ~ It Kills Me (OFFICIAL VIDEO)

2009-12-01T08:33:00.001-08:00

Today's Truth

2009-12-01T08:17:00.000-08:00

I know I may not have everything that I want, right now. But I have all that I need. And I have the means to get the things that I want as well, if I can have a little discipline and faith in myself. I will be able to really enjoy the journey of getting exactly where I want to be.

Today's Truth

2009-11-27T07:25:00.000-08:00

I don't know what is going on today. But it aint right. Really I didn't think it was gonna be. Some things have been on my mind.

So what happens when you start feeling like what you thought would make you happiest, is nothing like you thought it would be? Eiran is not happy with anything. Not with himself or me. Our relationship is not what he expected. He is not happy because I haven't been sexual. Honestly its been a freaking drought and I don't understand it myself. But I'm working on it. But nothing makes him happy. Nothing I do, say or try. Maybe all this has been a mistake. Him coming out here. Maybe he should have stayed out in Atlanta. I know how miserable he was out there. And I don't know what to do. As his friend I would tell him that if he isn't happy he needs to find out what will make him happy. I don't know if he knows how to even attempt to do that or not. I think that he needs to be by himself for a while. Force himself to be. Because he has just being going from one relationship to another for years now. And nothing has made him Happy. As I'm writing this I'm getting upset because I have told him before that I think he was in love with the image he had of me in his head. Not just with who I am all around. I know for me. I didn't come into this thinking that it was going to be a certain way. I never do that anymore because I have learned that how we may perceive things is not always the reality. Real truth, my babe has alot of baggage. He has alot of emotional issues that he has yet to deal with. Seeing all that has made me not feel sexual towards him. Seeing all the things he has yet to deal with. Seeing him so unhappy and seeing that nothing makes him feel happy except drinking and smoking, makes it hard for me to think about sex at all. It's become like a chore instead of something we both enjoy together. I don't wanna have sex with someone just for a nut. That's all it feels like it is for him. After the fact its back to the same miserable attitude he always has. I really haven't been trying to make things an issue. I want him to know that I have his back. I'm not trying to see him like the others that have been in my life. But the truth is that I'm feeling just like I have before. I'm the one trying to do for the both of us. The one trying to motivate him to get his things together so that we can build on a real future. And all it turns out to be is a fight and disappointments on both sides. He's so damn overly critical with everything that anyone says to him and that's because he's not happy within himself. I know because I felt like that for so long. It's not anyone else's fault for the way our lives are. I say if they aren't the way we want them, then its up to us to change things. Am I right or wrong? I don't want Eiran to be unhappy. I don't know what to do about it tho. Whatever I try is short lived and then overshadowed by what is not going right in his life. And its always something. Things that I would never think about. He brings up my exes talks about things that I may have said to him back in the day that I have totally forgotten about. Like how the sex was. They are not even an factor in my universe anymore. So why is he even bringing them up when I don't?
I'm not saying that I'm perfect in this situation either. I know that my attitude towards relationships have changed. And maybe its not the best way to look at it. But it is what it is.
I know I want this relationship..But do I feel that I need it. The answer would be no.
I don't like feeling like I need anyone for anything. Do I want Eiran? HELL YES. Do I want our relationship, HELL YES. What I don't want is the animosity. What I don't want is to be helpless watching someone just continue to be miserable all the time...Shit I'm tired of living like that. Wouldn't you be?

As far as the sex goes. Last night I told him, When he wants it he will get it regardless of if I want to or not. Since it is all about his needs

It's crazy that this is his only compliant to about me.

This lack of a sex drive that is going on with me right now. I don't put that much emphasis on sex. But I understand a man has needs.

But damn really I can't win. If I do it and he doesn't feel like I enjoyed it he gets upset. If I'm honest with him and tell him that I'm not feeling it at the moment then I'm just being mean and hateful and not even attempting to satisfy him.

WTF!

Like I said before, Sex should be enjoyable for both parties involved. I don't why it is that he can't be patient with me. Give me a little understanding and say, "U know what babe, I'm just gonna be here for you." Instead all is it is "I have a need that your not willing to fulfill."

Bust The Windows~GLEE

2009-11-06T07:22:00.000-08:00

~Reflection~

2009-11-03T08:36:00.000-08:00

Who have I become?

The reflection of what you thought of me

The nothing little being that was insignificant to our life.

The embodiment of something worth casting aside.

Have I embraced my fate?

Allowing your perception of me to change my core.

Losing myself in the pain.

Holding on to nothing

because nothing was what you gave.

Spirit broken

I let it stay

Not mending

Not healing

Not breaking away.

I let my light dim

Forgetting what made me, me

Casting aside the strength of my own spirit

A shadow of the man I was meant to be.

Monica ~Still Standing_TMS_Live~

2009-11-03T07:31:00.000-08:00

This woman has come such a long way. She is one of my favorite artists and im so glad that she is Still Standing.

Still Standing TMS Live
Uploaded by yardie4lifever2. - Explore international webcam videos.

My Favorite Place

2009-10-21T09:34:00.001-07:00

It's so safe here

So warm

So peaceful

I'm content

I'm at ease

No other place has ever made me feel whole

No other place has ever made me feel so free

Free to ponder about anything and everything my mind can dream up

Free to explore me

Time has no bearing

I can come and go as I please.

Its like I'm in my own world,

Miles and miles away from the drudgery of the rest of the world.

My sanctuary

My fortress

My Favorite Place.......

In your arms

Today's Truth

2009-10-20T07:46:00.000-07:00

Eiran and I had a conversation last night. One that has me questioning somethings within myself. He says that I seem cold and shut off from him. He says I won't allow myself to let him in completely. He says that from previous conversations of my past it seems like I gave the others I was with my all. And now with him, I'm holding back. I don't feel that's that is completely true. But there is some truth to that. I'm a different person now. I don't have this romanticized vision of what love should be and how a relationship should be. All I want now is consistency and monogamy and faithfulness. I want to know that I don't need to take on the role of making everything OK for someone else. I love Eiran, with all my heart. But I'm his man...not his father. I don't have to except everything that he does. And the same goes for me. If I was doing something that wasn't conducive to our relationship I would expect him to call me on it. I believe in giving people a chance. A chance to show who they are and what they are about. I'm about my relationship. But I'm also about my individuality. I love Eiran. But I'm not going to loose myself in Eiran. He wants me to be vulnerable to him. He thinks that I'm not. I really do feel that I am. I have shifted everything I had planned for myself into what is best for "US". I feel like we made the decision to be together and I really want to stand by that. I want this to work out. I want us to last...And the only way they we are going to do that is if we stay true to ourselves and each other. He is smart and funny and motivated. That's the man I grew to love and respect. I met my equal. Someone who would work as hard as I will to make it work. Someone who I can depend on and wont be looking for the escape route. Someone that would take matters into his own hands and get things done for himself and me. Some who didn't need to rely on me to make things happen. I just knew that we were going to be able to make things happen for each other. I don't know if that's him anymore...and I don't know if that's because I make it so that he doesn't have to.

Danielle Rashea~

2009-09-25T11:22:00.000-07:00

I had to write about my little cousin Danielle. This has been "my baby" since I first saw her in her crib when I came to California to live with my Aunt. She was so precious with her little chubby cheeks, sleeping quietly in her crib. She sure isn't a baby anymore.

She is all grown up and about to graduate from Spelman University in Atlanta, GA. I cant even begin to let her know how proud I am of her. Not for just graduating from college. But just for being the crazy, goofy, fun-loving person that she has always been.

I don't know what God has for her but I know that its something great. Something that she, herself will be proud of. She's always been just an exceptional child. She was winning beauty pageants as a little toddler. She got into sports and excelled in that just like she did with her academics. She graduated from Etiwanda High School (the same high school I went to) with Honors. She talented in was that I don't even think she knows. She can sing and dance. She doesn't think so, but its there. She just needs to quit being so shy with it. She has never been one to get into trouble. Always the model child that all the other kids were compared to. I don't cant tell you how many times I have heard someone to their kid, "why can't you be more like Danielle." And oh did she get hated on because of that. But so what. We are who we are and that one there is someone that has set the bar.

But shes only tried to do her best in each and everything that she has put her mind to. And thats something that we should all attempt to do. I love my cousin. We arent as close as we used to be. But thats is still my "MY BABY".

Today's Truth

2009-09-24T08:01:00.000-07:00

I just want to put this out there for people who think that I need to waste my time lying on them about anything. Your Truth is worse than anything I could make up. I don't spend my time trying to come up with something on other people to make them look bad. They can do that well enough on their own. So please if you want to keep up the charade of hiding who you are, do it without trying to put the focus on me just because I know the real truth and not the bullshit you feed to everyone else. Thanks.

Question?

2009-09-16T08:24:00.000-07:00

How many real, True, friends can you say you have in your life right now? And please really think about it. If something drastic or dyer happened in your life right now who can you say without a shadow of a doubt would be there in a moments notice? People tend to throw the word Friend around and apply it to so many people that really aren't friends at all. So I just wanna know the real deal.

Durand Bernarr (Crazy Vocalist)

2009-09-15T11:07:00.000-07:00

I just had to post a few videos of this talented young man that just vocally gifted from God.

TON3X....A Tru3 Maverick

2009-09-15T09:13:00.000-07:00

OK people, you really need to get over this thing with Ton3x. He is a great person and God-gifted individual. I commend him for his transparency pertaining to his life. There needs to be more people out there willing to do the same thing. It was meant to happen sooner than later. And I'm just proud of the man. I hope that God continues to bless him and give him the desires of his heart. I don't now him personally but I think that he is someone to continue to be admired and looked up to. To everyone who thinks he's not....Are you really made at the man for just being totally honest about all that he is. Get over this whole thing about God looking down on us for being same-sex loving. We can love just a hard as you do. So called Christians/Church Folks....just accept things for what they are and know that God's got it all taken care of. Were his children just like you are.

Today's Truth

2009-09-11T13:03:00.001-07:00

Its just one of those days where I don't feel like being bothered with anything or anyone. I just want to go home and watch TV and go back to sleep. I woke up late and ended up getting to work an hour late. Sitting on the damn bus was a nightmare because the bus driver wouldn't run the air conditioner. I get to work and I just don't want anyone to speak to me, or even look in my general direction. Nothing has happened that was all that bad. I'm just in rotten mood. Maybe it's because I have so many things that I need to do (pay for) and I don't have any money to actually do it. I need to get a oil change on my car. Go get some things for the house. I need to pay my cell phone bill. I don't know when that is actually going to be paid down. And I feel naked without it. I don't know what this is I'm channeling today. Maybe its someone else. LOL. I'm being effected by some other-worldly spirit that's making me irritable....Eiran says I'm just on my rag.

[my husband and his endless jokes :-)]

I just hope that this weekend is a good one. I have been so enjoying just being at home with my boo. He even said last night that things have just been so different between us. Different in a good way. Which made me smile because I have been feeling the same way. It's been so nice to be able to be a silly and playful as I want to be. And him as well. My goal is to have it continue.

PenPal Lover

2009-08-31T10:26:00.000-07:00

The sound of my mood today for you is India Arie's "The Truth" This songs speaks volumes about how I feel about you. Listen and know that you are MY TRUTH.

Here are the Lyrics:

Spoken : Let me tell you why I love him.

Chorus : Cause' he is the truth

Said he is so real

And I love the way he makes me feel

And if i am a reflection of him then,

I must be fly cause he's light it shines so bright, I wouldn't lie.

I remember the very first day that I saw him.

I found myself immediately intrigued by him.

It's almost like I knew this man from another life.

Like back then maybe I was his husband and maybe he was my wife.

And even the things I dont like about him are fine with me,

because it's not hard for me to understand him because he's so much like me.

And it's truly my pleasure to share his company,

and I know that its God's gift to breath the air he breaths.

Chorus : Cause' He is the truth

Said he is so real

And I love the way he makes me feel

And if I am a reflection of him then,

I must be fly cause he's light it shines so bright, I wouldn't lie.

How can the same man that makes me so mad.

(Spoken) Do you know what he did

Turn right around and kiss me so soft.

(Spoken) Girl, do you know what he did

If he ever. Let me I wouldn't even be sad, no

Cause there's a blessing in every lesson. And im glad that I knew him at all.

Chorus : Cause' he is the truth

Said he is so real

And I love the way he makes me feel

And if I am a reflection of him then,

I must be fly cause he's light it shines so bright, I wouldnt lie.

I love the way he speaks

I love the way he thinks

I love the way that he treats his mama

I love that gap in between his teeth

I love him in every way that a man can love a man

From personal to universal but most of all it's unconditional

(Spoken) You know what Im talking about

Thats the way I feel

(Spoken) and I Always Will

There aint no substitute for the truth, either it is of it isn't

Cause' he is the truth

You see the truth it, needs no proof.

Either It is or it isnt. Cause' he is the truth.

Now you know the truth by the way it feels.

And if I am a reflection of him, then I must be fly.

Cause he is the, yes he is. (echos) I wonder does he know

Today's Truth

2009-08-24T08:47:00.000-07:00

I don't feel like I used to feel about really anything. I know I no longer deal with things the same way. I have developed thicker skin. Even my core, I believe, has somewhat hardened. And I know that means that a lot of people probably see me know as a mean-spirited individual. And I'm really sorry for them. I don't know way things happen they way they do sometimes. I don't know why we deal with them the way we deal with them. But I do know that I'm tired of living in the what could have been. I'm going to live for the now. At this moment, in this place, I will be content. All we have is right now, here, today. The past is gone and tomorrow may never get here.

So today I just want to let everyone in life know how much I love them. You have stuck by me through all my drama and bullshit of dealing with others drama over the years and i thank you for that. I'm thankful today that I went through what I had to go through in my past. I'm thankful for the people that have fucked me over and made me feel less than what I was. I wouldn't know who I am today if it wasn't for them. Thank you so much for the lessons. I learned.

Today is just one of those days where I just want to take stock in how I have adapted over the years. To people, to situations and to just learning who I am. I have become a very self-reliant person. I don't look to anyone to do things for me. I don't have those types of people in my life. Don't misunderstand I know that I have individuals in my life that would if they could. And that is enough for me because I know in my heart and soul that those individuals are genuine. The rest I have just let go of emotionally. Nothing they could do or say really surprises me because I expect them only to do what needs to be done for them to get what they want. I used to let it bother me and wonder what I was doing wrong to make these people not value me the way that I valued them. Not anymore. I know how to meet someone right where they are and leave them there. I no longer have to apologize for the actions of others. I finally learned that I am in control of me and me alone. What ever anyone else does is on them. I don't have to deal with it if unless I choose to. There's so much power in choice. There's so much power in accepting the choices we make...or have made. I'm glad I have that power now. And I'm never going to loose it.

What Would You Do?

2009-08-19T14:33:00.000-07:00

Something has been on my mind lately. And I just want to get some other perspectives on the issue. What would your reaction be if an ex tired to get back in contact with you? You loved this person more than life itself. There is nothing that you wouldn't have done for them. Nothing you wouldn't have given up for them. There was nothing on this whole planet that could make you think of ever leaving their side. And you thought they would do all these things for you as well. Then everything changed. What if they started acting differently? What if they started making you feel like your very existence was worthless. If they treated you like shit...took all the could from you. Then left you high and dry with nothing more than a "Get Over It" attitude. What would be the first thing to come into your mind if they ever came back around and wanted another chance to be in your life? And I mean in any form or fashion. Let it be as a friend or a lover. Would you be willing to open your heart to them again? Would you be able to forgive and forget. Would you be willing to share your world again with the one that had ultimately destroyed it? I really want to know.

~The Sound of my Moods~

2009-08-04T11:54:00.000-07:00